I woke up in a sad mood today. I pinpointed my problem. I always thought of my aunt through my mom's eyes. It wasn't a very flattering picture. Mom was classy, my aunt was tacky. Mom was nurturing, my aunt was selfish. My mom took care of her things, my aunt was messy. I am realising this simplistic view of my aunt was completely wrong. It was wrong for me to perpetuate a sister's view of her sister, when I knew they never got along. I should have spent more time with my aunt to try and get to know the real her. It really hurts that I can't know her now. Even when my aunt died and my family were going through her things, I asked for something tacky to remind me of her. How awful. I feel awful thinking in those terms. She was stylish in a flashier, more fun way than my mom is. And I saw it as tacky. I'm so sorry. I am now the proud owner of a ring that I do think is 'tacky' but is a unique style all her own. I wanted to tell people about it, and originally I thought I'd laugh and say it's to remember my aunt and her tacky style. But I'm glad I've stopped myself doing that- there are so many better words. Flamboyant, feminine, sassy, colourful, eye-catching, fun.
As for drinking, I haven't since the 3rd. My partner bought some non-alcoholic beers. So I will go and get one once I'm done this. My sneaking single beers at home is over. My mood is low, but I have real reason to be sad. When I drank I'd be grumpy but have no reason. And I'd feel guilty, it is so freeing to not be weighed down by guilt all the time. It's worth it just for that.