I'm almost over my illness. Work is slow these days, so I have lots of days to get better before I work again. I spent the day doing bits and bobs around the house. I watched a true crime thing set in New York because I'm now obsessed with New York and what it was like in the past. While I watched the show I painstakingly de-pilled a sweater. I got a de-piller for Christmas but it only works on tiny ones and this sweater was made in the 80s by my Nana and so has 40 years of pills to get off. I ended up taking a leg razor to it and that worked better. I'm going to wear it next time I see my Nana and see if she remembers it.
*trigger warning for looks and weight loss* I don't want to talk about losing weight on this website but I'm going to indulge myself this one time. For the record, I will never diet, I don't believe in it. Every time I tried to lose weight by dieting, the weight went back on plus ten pounds. I'm good with my size, and I know I'm healthy especially now I've stopped alcohol. I did think that stopping alcohol would have an effect on my looks in a good way, though. It so far doesn't seem to be the case. I have tired looking eyes and my skin is dry and blotchy. My prefered weight is about 10 pounds less than I am now (BMI would say I should lose 30 but we all know that's bad science bs). It's funny that even though I want to be the body neutral, enjoy my body as it is type. Deep down I have that voice that says I'm not good enough. After a month of not drinking, I thought pounds would come off. I actually did lose 3 pounds over the New York trip- the reason being that I walked pretty much all day every day, food was expensive so I ate less of it, I was sick so naturally not very hungry, and I wasn't bored so didn't look forward to eating. My reaction to losing weight has been elation. I found myself strutting in front of the mirror... I know from experience the 3 pounds is just going to go back on. I'm not going to continue walking all day and I'm going to go back to eating normally. I'm just shocked at the weird hope of being thinner I felt. It's not just ingrained in me, my sister sends me exercise videos... my mom is on a no gluten, no fat, mostly vegetarian diet which her arthritis specialist recommended, my dad comments on peoples' weights and eating habits all the time, and even my 90 year old nana is trying to lose weight. I had no chance of growing up body neutral, or god forbid actually body positive. I am going to work hard to notice these unhealthy thoughts in myself, and continue to live happily, treating myself to healthy delicious foods but also delicious foods that don't count as healthy. Paying attention to what my body is asking for without paying attention to self talk that wants me to try to be someone I'm not. If I do want to make changes, the only change I feel comfortable and safe making is more exercise. Exercise makes you feel good in so many ways, there is nothing bad about it.
I really needed to get that off my chest.
Other news is that our bag finally caught up with us- it's not lost after all