Day 34


I almost lost count of how many days it's been. I thought I might switch to keeping track by date, but I think counting days is fun for now. It might get harder when it's been 73 days and I go away for holidays and then have to recount to figure out the number again. So I might switch in the future.

Last night I went to dinner at my sisters, everyone said "Dry January is over! What are you going to have?" At the time I didn't even mind every single person drinking. My dad even brought me a special cider to have. I just said, dry January is continuing into dry February! Later when everyone started talking about different wines and beers and their qualities, that's when I felt a surge of desire. It can be an intellectual, sophisticated thing, drinking. My grandparents owned a vineyard, so there is history as well. I absolutely LOVE that side of alcohol. Wine pairings with your meal Mmm! A craft beer with a burger outside on a sunny day Mmm! A big part of why I get so anxious drinking is "What will people think of me?" But in those settings, I feel only good things can be thought about me taking part in a cultural activity of sorts.

I need an amount of time to detoxify and truly clear my body of alcohol and its effects. So it's easy to say no right now. But I have to decide what amount of drinking will be my long term goal. I want to be deliberate, because I can't trust my feelings in the moment. I know drinking a little can turn into a lot.


Ways to consume alcohol in the future:

1. Not at all, embrace other drinks, you don't need it.
2. Predetermined set days of the year, like birthdays and holidays.
3. Only when out at a restaurant/pub, never in the home. The expense of having it out, will naturally limit our drinking.
4. On weekends, but only GOOD wine and beer, so we can only afford a little.


I would love for my husband to be on the same page. So there is also compromise. If he doesn't want to drink ever, and I would like to on birthdays, what would I choose? I would certainly question whether I'm a good person, if he stopped completely and I didn't. But it is an individual choice. I don't want to have to decide in the moment when someone offers it to me, then feel guilty or like I'm making the wrong choice. I also don't want to be in a position where I look forward to a drink again. I worry that would happen if it's only special occassions. I'm leaning on drinking only when out, partly because we hardly ever go out and usually when we do we don't want to drink anyways because we're driving or have the kids with us. It would feel nice to 'be allowed' sometimes to partake. A solution that would involve planning and would never be spontaneous seems perfect.